


sincerely, daniel james howell

by efflcrescence



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Best Friends, Character Death, Grief/Mourning, M/M, One Shot, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-07 11:38:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15218333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/efflcrescence/pseuds/efflcrescence
Summary: "...it's funny, because it does literally nothing to me when the real sun of this world is no longer showing up beside me..."





	sincerely, daniel james howell

**Author's Note:**

> basically all of the unspoken thoughts in my head portrayed in a story. enjoy, if possible.

“Most people get a huge smile plastered on their faces when they see the sun showing up in the morning skies, right? It’s funny, because it does literally nothing to me when the real sun of this world is no longer showing up beside me, leaving the cupboards open and the many pairs of socks all over the floor. Perhaps, once in my life, I said that all these things annoy the hell out of me, but right now, at this very moment? I would sacrifice everything that I own and have to get back in time. To get annoyed again, to lightly punch his arm for the sake of making his tongue poke out because that’s how he always laughed, to hold onto my stomach from laughing too much at him, I promise that I really would. As the most important person of my life left when all the fucking demons have been whispering that they will get me and I screamed so loud that they won’t, they finally caught me and stole all the remaining sanity. Now I’m here, sitting in the corner of my room with the darkest gloom surrounding my being, holding tightly onto my laptop and writing out all of the deepest and most honest thoughts that are always kept inside me because I have NO ONE to share them all with anymore. The world with Philip Michael Lester made the most beautiful sense to me, but when I caught a glance of his skin too pale, his bones too visible under his skin and his chest too immobile, I suddenly didn’t understand anything. It’s funny, when I think about it. He was the first person to offer me a hug when all I’ve seen was my life slowly becoming hopeless right in front of my eyes. Now, he’s the first person to make my life become hopeless too quickly when all I see is him offering me his embrace in my - sometimes too vivid - dreams. Right now as I’m writing this, I am getting so many calls, but I honestly don’t care that they will end up unanswered. There is no point in answering them, simply because I just can’t. I don’t have the courage, I don’t have the strength, I just don’t feel like it. I feel numb. I feel like a pointless object that exists just because it was created by an accident. Maybe I wasn’t destined to live a great life like people around me do. Maybe I was just destined to lose someone that meant more than the universe to me and only maybe I was destined to follow his path. That’s just what pointless objects like me deserve. Yesterday, I went to the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea, but I was only able to open the cupboard because the next moment I broke down into tears of an immense sorrow that took over my entire body. The sorrow of knowing that he will never answer how many cubes of sugar he wants again, he will never be there to give me a judging look when I decide to play around and give him the wrong amount again. It just fucking sucks. My mind is a mess. I AM a BLOODY MESS because a person that was the reason why I felt pain only from laughing and smiling too much, too ethereal to be from this planet, left me alone in this world that was once painted with the brightest hues and now isn’t. 

Maybe the fucking rope hanging from the ceiling will help us to become inseparable again, like the good old times, do you remember?

Sincerely, Daniel James Howell.”


End file.
